ZNAK SAGITE — više od fantastike — edicija, časopis, knjižara...

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Quotes:
 [Apu is shot.]
 Apu: Ah! The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I
   think I'm dying.
 
 Bart: Milhouse, what happened?! You were supposed to be watching the
   factory!
 Milhouse: I was watchin'. First it started to fall over, then it fell
   over.
 
 [Praying heavenward]
 Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save
   me, Superman!
 
 Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, your sexual harassment suit is exactly
   what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me
   in a belt of scotch?
 Marge: But it's only 9:30 in the morning!
 Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.
 
 Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still
   doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue,
   dad.
 Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.
 
 Marge: There's no shame in being a pariah.
 
 [On working at the DMV.]
 Patty: Some days we don't let the line move at all.
 Selma: Yeah, we call those WEEKdays.
 
 Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated
   and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that
   might be extracted for our personal use.
 
 Kent Brockman: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy
   just doesn't work!
 
 Bart: I've said it before, and I'll say it again...aye carumba!
 
 Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
 Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but
   man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question, I don't
   know.
 
 Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste
   for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now
   before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result
   in months and months of...
 Bart, Lisa: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
   CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
 Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding
   of chocolate to milk.
 
 Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's
   problems.
 
 Billy Corgan: Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
 Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.
 
 Lou: I went to the McDonalds over in Shelbyville the other day.
 Chief Wiggum: The Mc-what?
 Lou: Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over
   2000 locations in this state alone.
 Eddie: Hmm...Must've sprung up over night.
 Lou: But you know, its the little differences.
 Chief Wiggum: Example?
 Lou: Well at a McDonalds you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But
   they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.
 Chief Wiggum: Get out! What do they call it?
 Lou: A quarter pounder with cheese.
 Chief Wiggum: Quarter pounder with cheese...well I can see the cheese
   but? Hey, do they have Krusty's Partially Gelatinated Gum-Based
   beverages?
 Lou: Yeah, they call them 'shakes.'
 Eddie: *Pfft* 'Shakes.'  You don't know what you're gettin'.
 
 Krusty the Clown: This I don't need.
 
 Bart: Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?
 Leonard Nimoy: Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic
   forces shall draw me near.
 Bart: [flippantly] Uh-huh.
 Hot Dog Vendor: Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?
 Leonard Nimoy: Surprise me.
 
 Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to re-create your every move
   the night you saw this alien.
 Homer: Well, the evening began at the gentleman's club, where we were
   discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
 Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the F.B.I.
 Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. You
   happy?
 
 Homer: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has
   enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch
   your mother from his neon claws!
 
 Homer: God bless those pagans.
 
 [Bart & Lisa are reading a magazine at the Kwik-E-Mart.]
 Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to
   buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!
 
 [George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the
   truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:]
 Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington!
 Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George
   Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.
 
 Bart: As God as my witness, I WILL pass the fourth grade!
 Homer: And if you don't pass, you'll be bigger than the other kids.
 
 Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what
   separates us from the animals... except the weasel.
 
 Mr. Burns: You're fired.
 Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the
   pants off of you.
 Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.
 
 Mr. Burns: Thank you, come again. Smithers, release the hounds.
 
 Rev. Lovejoy: Wait a minute. This sounds like rock and/or roll.
 
 Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know,
   Skittlebrau?
 Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed
   it.
 Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of
   Skittles.
 
 Dealer: 19.
 Homer: Hit me!
 Dealer: 20.
 Homer: Hit me!
 Dealer: 21.
 Homer: Hit me!
 Dealer: 22.
 Homer: D'oh!
 
 [The Simpsons have accidentally built a barn from a pool kit]
 Homer: Alright, everybody in the pool!
 Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.
 Homer: D'oh-eth!
 
 [After Homer runs over a deer]
 Homer: D'oh!
 Marge: A deer!
 Lisa: A female deer!
 
 Homer: But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm
   Homer Simpson.
 Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall
   of our club?
 Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Barney Gumble.
 Les: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
 Homer: Uh, actually my real name is uh, think Krusty, think, Joe
   Valachi.
 Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee
   about organized crime?
 Homer: Benedict Arnold!
 Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to
   the hated British?
 Homer: D'oh!
 
 Mr. Burns: Bad corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers!
 
 Marge: I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is
   be yourself.
 Lisa: Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't
   worked.
 
 Bart: You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
 Homer: [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on
   the cake!
 
 [Lisa and Mr. Burns are collecting cans at the beach.]
 Mr. Burns: You mean there are actually people who will pay good money
   for garbage?
 Lisa: Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel.
 Mr. Burns: Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a
   steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a
   newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from
   Battery Park to the polo grounds.
 Lisa: [unimpressed] There's a can.
 
 Chief Wiggum: Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single
   parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls...
   two, I suppose.
 
 Mr. Burns: Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash!
 Smithers: Um, well, sir... it happened twenty five years before I was
   born.
 Mr. Burns: Oh, that's your excuse for everything!
 
 Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and
   she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever
   known... then went crazy as a loon.
 
 Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a
   city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it
   would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow
   Down."
 
 Lisa: I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new
   protractor.
 Homer: Too bad we don't live on a farm.
 
 Mulder: Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated
   UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there
   right away.
 Scully: Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of
   drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
 Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
 
 Lisa: I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not
   obsessed with his physical appearance...
 Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
 Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
 Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I
   lit a Q-Tip.
 Marge: Mmm...
 
 Homer: God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!
 Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.
 
 Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people
   are no good at everything.
 
 Moe: I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to
   see Easter Island.
 Homer: Oh, right, with the giant heads.
 Moe: With the what now?
 
 Rev. Lovejoy: This so-called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of
   weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools.
   Let us say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the
   collection plate!
 
 Kang: Holy fleurking schnit!
 
 Kang: Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?
 
 Kent Brockman: ...and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of
   string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart
   clerk was brutally murdered last night.
 
 Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up
   tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
 Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
 
 [After Homer turns on the Christmas lights.]
 Bart: It's craptacular.
 
 Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!
 
 Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five
   percent pay cut!
 
 Principal Skinner: Children, I couldn't help monitoring you
   conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply
   disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre
   cover-up.
 
 Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible
   curse!
 Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
 Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
 Homer: That's good!
 Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
 Homer: That's bad.
 Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
 Homer: That's good!
 Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Homer looks
   puzzled.] That's bad.
 Homer: Can I go now?
 
 [Bart's looking for his dog.]
 Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt -- and I 'ate 'im! [Bart gasps.] I
   'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's
   always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church.
 Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
 Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [Bart stares.] Ya
   heard me!
 
 Grampa Simpson: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all
   your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
 Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
 Grampa Simpson: Flu?
 Homer: No.
 Grampa Simpson: Protein deficiency?
 Homer: No.
 Grampa Simpson: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
 Homer: No.
 Grampa Simpson: Unsatisfying sex life?
 Homer: N -- yes. But please, don't you say that word!
 Grampa Simpson: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your
   elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
 
 Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is
   _not_ something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend
   of training to get that badge.
 Man: Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?!
 Chief Wiggum: Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell
   me your name.
 Man: I've have it up to here with your "rules"!
 [leaves]
 
 Homer: I don't have to be careful! I have a gun!
 
 [Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show.]
 Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for
   the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a
   discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada,
   others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down
   there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room,
   in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.
 
 [Homer lies in a drunken heap.]
 Marge: I've never been so embarrassed in my life!
 Homer: Why, what did you do?
 
 Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm and alcoholic.
 Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
 Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a
   problem!
 
 Homer: Here are your messages, Mr. Burns! "You have 30 minutes to
   move your car." "You have ten minutes to move your car." "Your car
   is being impounded." "Your car is being crushed into a cube." "You
   have 30 minutes to move your cube."
 
 Homer: [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my
   baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.
 
 Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
 Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have
   Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
 Marge: Won't that warp him?
 Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
 Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
 Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think
   his name is Mother Shabubu now.
 
 Bleedin' Gums Murphy: My friends call me Bleeding Gums.
 Lisa: Eww, how'd you get a name like that?
 Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to
   the dentist?
 Lisa: Yeah.
 Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one. But I've
   already got enough pain in my life as it is.
 
 Marge: Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the
   while, our little Lisa's becoming a young woman.
 Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.
 
 Bleedin' Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about feeling better. It's
   about making other people feel WORSE, and making a few bucks while
   you're at it.
 
 [Homer is applying for a job as a department store Santa Claus.]
 Manager: Do you like children?
 Homer: What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts?
 
 Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
 
 Marge: So Mr King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you
   working on now?
 Steven King: Actually, I'm taking a break from horror for the time
   being.
 Marge: Oh, that's too bad.
 Steven King: At the moment I'm working on a biography of Benjamin
   Franklin. He was a fascinating man who discovered electricity, and
   used it to torture children and green mountain men. And that key he
   tied to a kite - it opened the gates to Hell!
 Marge: Well, when you go back to horror will you let me know?
 Steven King: Will do.
 
 Lisa: What, Aunt Patty?
 Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
 Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn't, because, aside from the fact that he
   has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I
   have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of
   him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope
   you bear in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am
   far too young to defend myself against such onslaughts.
 Patty: Mm hm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.
 
 Mr. Burns: This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me
   the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the
   one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
 Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
 
 Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I
   want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
 Lisa: Tough choice.
 Bart: I'm picking respect.
 
 Homer: Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
 Marge: Maybe we should move to a larger community.
 
 [Lisa takes Bart to the library.]
 Bart: Lisa, we can't afford all these books!
 Lisa: Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.
 Bart: Oh. Heh heh. Gotcha.
 [wink]
 
 Lisa: I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.
 Bart: Okay.
 Lisa: Embrace nothingness.
 Bart: You got it.
 Lisa: Become like an uncarved stone.
 Bart: Done.
 Lisa: Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about!
 Bart: True.
 Lisa: Well, it's very frustrating!
 Bart: I'll bet.
 
 Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a
   little strange and you probably don't understand why.
 Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
 Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot
   of respect for me.
 Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
 Homer: Aww.
 
 Dog Training Teacher: [To Santa's Little Helper] You son of a bitch!
 
 Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
 Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured
   that out.
 
 Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids
   who wear them get *beaten up*.
 Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your
   friend.
 
 Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even
   though they say it's okay in the Bible.
 Lisa: Really? Where?
 Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.
 
 Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of
   in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn
   vegetables.
 Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it?
   Asparagus?
 Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word!
 Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these
   things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct
   them to the Bible.
 Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible?
 Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... page 900.
 [quickly hangs up]
 
 Moe: Yeah, you said it, Barn.
 
 Marge: Homer, I think the baby's coming.
 Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of
   my life?
 
 Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary
   bypass operation.
 Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
 Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open-heart surgery.
 Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
 Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
 Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
 
 Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad
   people.
 Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
 Homer: Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.
 
 Mr. Burns: Who is that fireband, Smithers?
 Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.
 Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
 Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his
   son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the
   nude...
 Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.
 
 Lisa: Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
 Homer: Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you?
 
 Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
 Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
 
 Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
 Mr. Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Smithers. If I
   came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and
   slobbering all over you, what would you say?
 Smithers: If *you* did it, sir?
 
 Homer: Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us
   upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact, watch your
   pocketbook, and suspect everyone.
 Snake: Three card monte!
 Homer: Woo hoo! Easy money!
 
 Chief Wiggum: What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of
   mysteries?
 
 Homer: So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color
   in the end.
 
 Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence
   with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.
 
 [While operating on Homer.]
 Dr. Nick: [singing] The kneebone's connected to the... something. The
   something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's
   connected to my wrist watch. ...Uh oh.
 
 Dr. Nick: Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want.
 
 Bart: Hey Homer, this house sucks!
 Homer: Bart, I told you to never use that word! Call me Daddy.
 
 [Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she.]
 Marge: Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of
   her.
 Lisa: You're thinking of bears, mom.
 
 Lisa: Relax? I can't relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two
   synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!
 Homer: Well, it's always in the last place you look.
 
 Principal Skinner: Move your car woman!
 Mrs. Krabappel: Go cry to your mommy about it.
 Principal Skinner: Don't worry, she'll hear about this.
 
 Dr. Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure
   is!
 
 Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing,
   bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding...
 
 George Washington: We had quitters during the Revolution too. . . we
   called them Kentuckians.
 
 Moe: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have
   you know, I wrote the book on love.
 Grampa Simpson: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front"!
 
 Alien: I bring you love!
 Larry: It's bringing love, don't let it get away!
 Carl: Break its legs!
 Lisa: No! Wait!
 [Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns]
 Willy: Argh! It's a monster! Kill it, kill it!
 Smithers: No, stop! It's not a monster, it's Mr Burns!
 Willy: Ahhh, it's Mr Burns. Kill it, kill it!!
 
 Bart: Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
 Homer: Do I have to sit up?
 Bart: No.
 Homer: Knock yourself out.
 
 Homer: If he didn't steal the church collection plate money, why is
   he wearing those fancy clothes?
 Marge: Those were the clothes he wore to church!
 Homer: Oooooh, how convenient.
 
 Judge: Mr. Hutz, are you aware you're not wearing any pants?
 Lionel Hutz: Uh, your Honor, can I call for one of those bad trial
   thingys?
 Judge: You mean a mistrial?
 Lionel Hutz: Yeah...that's why you're the judge, and I am the law..
   talkin'...guy.
 
 [Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a
   twenty dollar bill instead.]
 Homer: Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
 Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
 Homer: Explain how.
 Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
 Homer: Woo-hoo!
 
 Milhouse: It started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended in
   tragedy.
 
 Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!
 
 Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean,
   S-M-A-R-T!
 
 Bart: Ooohh, my head.
 Lisa: The remorse of the sugar junkie.
 
 Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we
   left. How very odd.
 
 Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with
   a healthy green blow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing
   commissioner.
 
 Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt,
   the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet
   within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
 
 [Kicking Walt Whitman's tombstone.]
 Homer: I! Hate! You! Walt! Freaking! Whitman! "Leaves of Grass," my
   ass!
 
 Lisa: I am the lizard queen!
 
 Lisa: Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this
   to a psychiatrist?
 
 Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased
   Scotsman!
 
 Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals
   fa-laaaaming.
 
 [Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job
   back.]
 Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store.
 Homer: This isn't very convenient.
 Apu: Must you knock on everything we do?
 
 Jerry: Hey there, Kirk.
 Kirk: Oh, boy, what's going on? Patio party?
 Jerry: No. Opossum drowned in the pool. Do you have any garbage bags?
 Kirk: Aaaah, just throw it over the fence. Let Arby's worry about it.
 
 [Flash-forward to Lisa's wedding]
 Homer: Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were
   the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time
   you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
 Lisa: Oh, Dad...
 Homer: No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always
   been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did
   it all yourself. You taught me to understand my own life better,
   and made me a better person, but you're still my daughter, and I
   don't think anyone has ever had a better daughter than --
 Lisa: Dad, you're babbling.
 Homer: See? You're still helping me.
 
 Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
 Bart: No thanks dad.
 Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father
   something is definitely wrong.
 Grampa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
 Homer: Go home.
 
 Marge: Lisa, normally I'd support you for standing for what you
   believe in, but you've been doing that a lot lately.
 Bart: Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
 Homer: And we can't watch *Fox* 'cause they own those chemical
   weapons plants in Syria.
 
 Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding,
   "you're making a scene."
 
 Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether
   you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
 
 Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go
   in every day and do it really half-assed? That's the American way.
 
 Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
 
 Homer: Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not
   listening.
 
 Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the
   bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they
   shoot bees at you?
 
 Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson
   is, never try.
 
 Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,
   but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
 
 Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again?
   What about bacon?
 Lisa: No.
 Homer: Ham?
 Lisa: No!
 Homer: Pork chops?
 Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
 Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical
   animal.
 
 Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
   or a sleazy male stripper?
 Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
 Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
 Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
 
 Moe: [after beating up a Homer dummy] Who's the sociopath, now?!
 
 Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something
   old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot
   how to drive?
 Marge: That's because you were drunk!
 Homer: And how!
 
 Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
 
 Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
 Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I
   love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
 
 Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're
   here?
 Homer's Brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
 Homer: Ummm... revenge?
 Homer's Brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
 [Sound FX: step step step step step... slam]
 
 Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but
   let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you
   with beer.
 Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
 
 Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good,
   and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
 
 Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
 Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
 Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
 Homer: Okay, I will!
 
 Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy,
   I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But
   instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police
   Academy.
 
 Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?
 Homer: No! I swear on this Bible!
 Marge: That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
 Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
 
 Lisa: Dad, we did something horrible!
 Homer: Did you wreck the car?
 Bart: No.
 Homer: Did you raise the dead?
 Lisa: Yes.
 Homer: But the car's okay?
 Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
 Homer: All right then.
 
 Homer: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an
   offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat
   them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. [brief pause] Thy
   bidding will be done.
 [munch munch munch]
 
 Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up
   back here anyway.
 
 [A rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window]
 Mr. Burns: Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its
   sense of direction.
 
 [Speaking about the skeleton she found]
 Lisa: It could be a mutant from the power plant.
 Mr. Burns: That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have
   flippers -- oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia
   ray.
 Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
 Mr. Burns: Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done
   as well.
 
 Bart: Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican!
 
 Kang: We must move forward... not backwards, not to the side, not
   forwards, but always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom!
 
 [While watching a faculty talent show]
 Bart: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks
   *and* blows.
 
 Maude Flanders: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!
 Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place
   down!
 
 Lisa: Oh, if I fail I won't even be able to get into Vassar.
 Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady.
 
 Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
 Dialogue coach: No, "Up and atom".
 Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
 Dialogue coach: Up and *atom*!
 Ranier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
 Dialouge coach: [frustrated] Better.
 
 Bart: Hey mouse. Say cheese. [Takes a flash picture of the killer
   robot Itchy, short-circuiting it] Hey, with a dry cool wit like
   that I could be an action star.
 
 [Ralph is lying in bed]
 Ralph Wiggum: Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.
 Chief Wiggum: You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.
 
 Groundskeeper Willie: You've mastered a dead tongue. Now can ya
   handle a live one?
 
 [Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car,
   drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
 Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From
   the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
 [runs into a chestnut tree]
 
 Chief Wiggum: No jury in the world is going to convict a baby.
   ...Maybe Texas.
 
 Barney: I'll never drink again.
 Film Festival Presenter: And your prize is a lifetime supply of Duff
   beer.
 Barney: Hook it to my veins!
 
 Homer: [cocks a shotgun] To the book depository!
 
 Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
 Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see
   Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo!
 Marge: Homer!
 Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name
   is
   Takashi! He's in my book club!
 
 [Comic Book visits a dating service and grabs all the one-nighter
   presentation videotapes]
 Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
 Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.
 
 Bart: Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".
 Homer: Hmmm is it any good?
 Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of
   Laundromats.
 
 Comic Book Guy: Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote
   *ultimate* belt.
 Clerk: I see. Do you a receipt, quote-unquote sir?
 Comic Book Guy: No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize
   at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize
   highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no need of a
   medium-size belt.
 Clerk: Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with
   the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no
   receipt, no return.
 Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it.
 Comic Book Guy: Very well. I must get back to my comic book store,
   where I dispense the insults rather than receive them.
 
 Agnes Skinner: You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?
 
 [Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
 Homer: Oh no, Mormons!
 Kang: Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.
 
 Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like
   you.
 Homer: I like you.
 Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
 Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.
 
 [Bart has an earring]
 Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were
   my age?
 Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is
   completely different!
 
 Homer: Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
 Lisa: Because they discovered gold right over there!
 Homer: It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody
   does everything.
 
 Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute
   express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe
   in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place
   where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
 Homer: Three minutes!
 [whistles]
 Marge: I never realized history was so filthy!
 
 [Homer is a Blackjack dealer]
 Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
 James Bond: I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card.]
   Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck.
 Homer: Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one.
 [Homer deals Bond another card.]
 James Bond: What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?
 Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond...
 [Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him.]
 James Bond: But... but wait! It was Homer's fault. I can't lose! I
   never lose! [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino.] At least
   tell me your plans for world domination!
 Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again.
 
 [Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant]
 Voice on Phone: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To
   obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your
   palm now.
 
 Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people
   going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they
   shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.
 
 Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the
   day.
 
 Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!
 
 [Homer is using butter as a pencil holder.]
 Marge: Is that my butter?
 Homer: Can't talk -- taking memo. [Licks tip of pencil as if about to
   write.] Mmmmm... delicious.
 
 Bart: I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And
   what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
 Homer: Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your
   newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.
 
 Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never
   got caught driving without pants.
 
 [Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster care]
 Voice on Phone: The number you have dialed can no longer be reached
   on this phone. You negligent monster.
 
 [Looking at Uruguay on a map]
 Homer: Heehee! Look at this country! "You are gay."
 
 [Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
 Homer: No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty,
   rotten liar.
 
 [At Apu's wedding.]
 Marge: Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never
   performed a Hindu ceremony before.
 Rev. Lovejoy: Well, Christ is Christ.
 
 Leonard Nimoy: Good evening, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of
   alien encounters is true. And by true I mean false. It's all lies.
   But they're entertaining lies, so in the end, isn't that the truth?
   The answer is "no."
 
 Homer: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?
 Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
 Homer: We can *all* burn evidence in it.
 
 Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could
   be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
 Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental
   patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee!
 
 Lisa: Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
 Homer: Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.
 
 [At her first Broadway show.]
 Marge: You know, when I was a girl, I always dreamed of being in a
   Broadway audience.
 
 [Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.]
 Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".
 Guard: And your name is...?
 Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.
 
 [Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
 Homer: At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who
   ran the Savings & Loan.
 
 Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who
   doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
 Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.
 
 Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town
   paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
 
 [Bart talking about his new school uniforms]
 Bart: Mo-o-om! My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these
   shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
 Marge: Bart, where did you pick up words like that.
 Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night! That just plain
   sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest
   bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
 Marge: Homer!
 Homer: Sorry, Moe, gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening.
 Bart & Lisa: [shouting] We are not wiener kids!
 Homer: Then why are you wearing those dorky uniforms? Hmmmm...?
 
 Moe: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it
   wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use
   the cigarette machine.
 
 Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: There's no need to murmur, ma'am.
   Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned with
   violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the
   consequences of deadly mayhem, so that we may educate as well as
   horrify.
 Marge: When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled
   out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the
   next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably!
 Guard at Itchy & Scratchy Land: Just like in real life.
 
 Mr. Burns: Next!
 
 Kent Brockman: What started as a traditional soccer riot has
   escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly,
   Mayor Quimby declared "Mob Rule", meaning that, for the next
   several years, it's every family for themselves!
 
 Mark Hamill: Hey pal, that's my face up there next to the pepper
   stake and don't you forget it.
 Louie: You're all talk Hamill. You never even finished Jedi School.
 
 Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me over in his jet. Now I have to help
   him move next weekend. He deliberately waited until we were in the
   air to ask me.
 
 [In the car on the way to Florida]
 Lisa: Mom, Bart's sitting next to me!
 Bart: Mom, Lisa's growing!
 Marge: Quiet, you two! You know your father's just had a breakdown.
 Homer: My pockets hurt.
 
 [Homer just beat Michelangelo's David in fooz ball]
 Homer: You lose, Michelangelo's David! Whose next?
 
 Homer: I'd like your deadliest gun please.
 Clerk: Aisle 6- Next to the sympathy cards.
 
 [Homer and his band are performing a 4th of July concert in New York
   City]
 Homer: This next song is dedicated to a very special lady. She's 100
   years old and weighs over 200...tons.
 Fan: This enormous lady will devour us all. [Screams and jumps into
   the ocean]
 Homer: I meant the statue!
 
 Homer: When will you people learn? In America we stopped using
   corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets
   are safe, old people strut confidently trough the darkest alleys
   and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming
   abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as
   the Bible tells us, "Let your children run wild and free."
 
 Homer: If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they make my
   shoes smell good?
 
 Mark Hamill: Hey everybody. I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm
   also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you can save
   up to three times more than the more dependable companies.
 Audience: Talk about Star Wars!
 Homer: Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on
   long distance calls.
 
 Homer: Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.
 
 Homer: Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're
   living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and
   leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.
 
 Lisa: I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny.
 Homer: "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?
 
 Bart: Why would anyone want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis the
   Menace!
 
 Marge: You awful, awful man! Stay away from my son!
 Sideshow Bob: [menacing] I'll stay away. Stay away... FOREVER!
 Homer: Oh, no!
 Sideshow Bob: Wait. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back] I've
   got a good one now. Marge, say "stay away from my son" again!
 Marge: No!
 
 Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
 Bart: Since when?
 Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.
 
 Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who
   came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life
   again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that
   little guy.
 
 Lionel Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in
   front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.
 
 Homer: Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
 Lisa: How so dad?
 Homer: Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
 Lisa: How does that make him a hero?
 Homer: Well it's more then you've done.
 
 Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know,
   the birth of Santa.
 
 Insurance Agent: Now this place you were at, Moe's, is this a
   business of some sort?
 Homer's Brain: Don't tell him you were at a bar! But what else is
   open at night?
 Homer: It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
 
 Homer: God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that
   game.
 [doorbell rings]
 Ned Flanders: Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I
   got two tick...
 Homer: [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
 Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed
   up there.
 [Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
 Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but... [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
 
 Moe: I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy
   store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.
 
 Bart: George Burns was right: show biz is a horrible bitch goddess.
 
 Lisa: Face it, Bart, Sideshow Bob has changed.
 Bart: No he hasn't! He's more the same than ever!
 
 [observing the farm's green glow after Homer put toxic chemicals on
   it]
 Marge: It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe?
 Homer: You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules
   to free your heart.
 Marge: You got that from a movie poster.
 Homer: Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in
   hope.
 Marge: Where'd you get that from?
 Homer: From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".
 
 Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the
   cancer and I am the... uh... what cures cancer?
 
 Faith: Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest.
 Homer: Oh I love your magazine! My favorite section is "How to
   increase your word power."  That thing is really, really, really...
   good.
 
 Homer: It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
 [Lisa sighs.]
 Lisa's Brain: I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.
 [Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly.]
 
 [Answering the phone]
 Bart: Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
 
 Elizabeth Hoover: Do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you
   want to act like a maniac?
 
 Social Worker: Stupid babies require the most attention.
 
 Homer: Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.
 
 Kent Brockman: Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are
   given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the
   Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory!
 
 Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football
   fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2
   tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
 Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken
   internally.
 Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.
 
 [Writing a food review]
 Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
 Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!
 Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
 Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?
 
 Homer: Lisa, I've had it with you and your stories. "Bart's a
   vampire." "Beer kills brain cells."  Now let's go back to that...
   building thingy... where our beds and TV... is.
 
 Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger
   is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's
   heads open and feast on the goo inside?
 Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
 
 Marge: [on radio] Husband on murderous rampage! Send help! Over.
 Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little
   bit.
 
 Homer: I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined
   to zoos!
 
 [Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing.]
 Marge: Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you
   just can't win.
 Homer: There you go again, always taking someone else's side.
   Flanders, the water department, God...
 
 Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever
   considered artificial insemination?
 Homer: Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make
   it with a robot! [Marge whispers something in his ear] I knew that.
 
 Bart: Lis, everyone in town is acting like me, so why does it suck?
 Lisa: It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself as a rebel. And in
   the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been
   co-opted.
 Bart: I see.
 
 Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You're banned from this historical
   society! You and your children, and your children's children!
   ...For three months.
 
 Homer: Dig him up! Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah
   Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my
   daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue!
 Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us
   digging up a corpse?
 
 [Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric car.]
 Gay Robots: One of us! One of us! One of us!
 
 Mayor Quimby: Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May
   your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
 Ned Flanders: Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har
   ye! I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's
   Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day!
 Homer: You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders! Gimme that! [Grabs the bell
   from him] Hear ye! Hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by
   all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!
 Chief Wiggum: Good God, he is fabulous!
 Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with that cromulent
   performance!
 
 Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
 
 Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
 Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big
   dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.
 
 Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very
   obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own
   raincoat.
 Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a
   joke! It just keeps going faster and faster.
 Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and
   structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so
   unwholesome.
 [Looks out window]
 Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
 Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
 Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here. [Lisa walks in] In
   this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
 
 Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help
   anyone.
 
 Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel
   about giving!
 
 Homer: There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth
   doing.
 
 Bart: Man, I'm so bored!
 Milhouse: Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy!
 
 Marge: Kids can be so cruel!
 Bart: We can? Thanks, Mom!
 
 Homer: If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.
 
 Homer: These candidates make me want to vomit in terror!
 
 Homer: Why won't those idiots let me into their crappy club for
   jerks?
 
 Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner! Low
   test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...
 
 Ned Flanders: A rude Frenchman! Why I never.
 
 Homer: Boy, everyone is stupid except me.
 
 Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a
   little boring at first.
 Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some
   pornographic playing cards.
 
 [Marge's plan to get "Itchy and Scratchy" off the air backfires]
 Marge: I guess one person *can* make a difference... but most of the
   time they probably shouldn't.
 
 Kent Brockman: At 3pm Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was
   shot following a tense confrontation at Town Hall. Burns was rushed
   to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then
   transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his
   condition to alive.
 
 [Lisa wins an essay contest]
 Homer: Woo-hoo! Who woulda guessed reading and writing would pay off!
 
 Homer: I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world.
   He's a jerk. End of story.
 
 Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said
   it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
 
 [Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving
   Homer all alone]
 Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
 Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever
   say and nobody heard it.
 Homer: D'oh!
 
 [Watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]
 Mr. Burns: Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of
   his jib.
 Smithers: Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.
 
 Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
 
 Marge: We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not
   like you go to museums or read books or anything.
 Homer: Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge.
   They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more
   brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once -- just gave us
   thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me
   live!
 
 PBS Pledge Drive Host: It's easy to see why it's England's most
   long-running series -- and we're showing all of them, all 7
   episodes.
 
 Lisa: Mom! Dad's on PBS!
 Marge: Mm? They don't show police chases, do they?
 
 Selma: We own you like Siegfried owns Roy.
 
 Carl: Throw away your self-pity and come get drunk with us.
 
 [Homer enters the room]
 Selma: Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?
 
 Homer: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as
   Yoda.
 
 Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The
   stupidest, smelliest ape of them all!
 
 [Homer is a limo driver]
 Homer: Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend
   Mel Brooks! You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the
   hell out of me!
 Mel Brooks: Umm, thanks.
 
 Homer: English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.
 
 [Homer can't stop the monorail]
 Marge: I've brought somebody to help you.
 Homer: Is it Batman?
 Marge: It's a scientist.
 Homer: Batman's a scientist.
 Marge: It's NOT Batman.
 
 [The school has come into money and everyone's suggesting how to
   spend it.]
 Lunchlady Doris: The kitchen staff is complaining of rats in the
   kitchen. I'd like to hire a new staff.
 
 [Bees have escaped from a bee farm]
 Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Awfully quiet around here.
 Beekeeper 2: Yes... a little TOO quiet, if you know what I mean.
 Beekeeper 1: Hmmm. Afraid I don't.
 Beekeeper 2: You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise
   suggests no bees.
 Beekeeper 1: Hmm... oh look, there goes one.
 Beekeeper 2: To the bee mobile!
 Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
 Beekeeper 2: ...Yes.
 
 Homer: People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me
   what to tell them to think!
 
 Homer: I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna
   explore the world! I wanna watch TV in a different time zone! I
   wanna visit strange, exotic malls! I'm sick of eating hoagies! I
   want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge!
   Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!
 
 Krusty the Clown: Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette...
   unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill!
 
 Homer: I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The
   terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I
   might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musty
   odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City
   Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk
   about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
 
 [Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe.]
 Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact
   that something you created is making so many people happy.
 Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man
   from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! [walks out,
   slams door, then sticks head back in] Oh, by the way: I was being
   sarcastic.
 Marge: Well, duh.
 
 Moe: You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
 
 [Marge is working at a real estate firm.]
 Lionel Hutz: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge.
   People just love your no-pressure approach.
 Marge Simpson: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the
   right person!
 Lionel Hutz: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right
   house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.
 
 Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something
   gay, I expect?
 Smithers: What?????!!!!!
 Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free! Mothers, lock up your
   daughters! Smithers is on the town!
 Smithers: Oh! Of course.
 
 Kent Brockman: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and in this house a
   creature *was* stirring. But the only thing he was stirring was: up
   trouble.
 
 Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.
 
 Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether
   you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.
 
 [Nelson's friends catch him kissing Lisa.]
 Kearney: Aw man! You just kissed a girl!
 Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!
 
 Principal Skinner: There's no justice like angry-mob justice.
 
 Marge: Aren't you going to perform the last rites?
 Rev. Lovejoy: That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to
   perform a voodoo dance.
 
 Lenny: We made it! And it's all thanks to teamwork.
 Carl: Yeah, *my* teamwork.